Today my daughter's best friend buries her great-grandmother

In January 2009, I traveled to Idaho for the funeral of my Grandma Hardenbrook.  It was a painful but joyous time as I and my family members looked back at her life, cried a lot, and laughed even more.  Tim and the kids were unable to come with me, and I missed their presence and the lost opportunity to be present for the memories and the finality of the burial.  I especially wished my children could have participated in that.  For long-distance family relationships, my kids may go months or even a year without seeing grandparents and great-grandparents.  Elisa and Wilkin grieved when she died and know they will see her again in heaven, but there is a benefit in participating in the funeral.  When my mom's dad then passed away in June, I again traveled without my husband and kids.  I wondered what Elisa and Wilkin were missing by not being able to participate.


On Sunday, Elisa's best friend had rushed with her family to be at the side of her great-grandmother as she took her last breaths.  When I shared this with Elisa, a tender-hearted nine-year-old, tears sprang to her eyes in compassion and sorrow for her friend.  She also knew Mildred - she had been at Taylor's house a few times when Elisa visited - but Elisa's tears were for Taylor.  When I offered her the chance to travel to the funeral with me, she quickly nodded her head, unable to speak.


I know the emotions are still fresh for me, just 15 months after Grandma Hardenbrook's funeral, but I feel like this might be a very meaningful experience for my daughter as well.  As she is physically present for Taylor today, she can also experience the finality of this funeral and grieve for her own beloved great-grandma and great-grandpa.


I will feel the emotions afresh, too.  Having experienced loss oneself makes one better equipped to help those who are going through it.  My friend Marcia very wisely stated yesterday, "There's nothing like losing a parent.  All of a sudden, you're an orphan."  She had that shared experience with Gracie - Mildred's daughter and Taylor's grandmother - that I (thankfully) do not have.  Today, I will be in Clintwood, Virginia to honor Mildred for my friends Gracie and Tony and Rhyanna and Brian, and Elisa will honor her best friend's great-grandmother.  

"I'll run the course you lay out for me if you'll just show me how. God, teach me lessons for living so I can stay the course. ive me insight so I can do what you tell me—my whole life one long, obedient response."

- Psalm 119:32-34 (the Message)

"I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free. Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees; then I will keep them to the end. Give me understanding, and I will keep your law and obey it with all my heart."
- Psalm 119:32-34 (NIV)

"I will pursue your commands, for you expand my understanding. Teach me your decrees, O Lord; I will keep them to the end. Give me understanding and I will obey your instructions; I will put them into practice with all my heart."
- Psalm 119:32-34 (NLT)

"I shall run the way of Your commandments, For You will enlarge my heart. Teach me, O LORD, the way of Your statutes, And I shall observe it to the end. Give me understanding, that I may observe Your law And keep it with all my heart."
- Psalm 119:32-34 (NASB)

So, here comes the commentary by Jamie:
I LOVE how different translations interpret verse 32.

"If you'll just show me how"
"You have set my heart free"
"You expand my understanding"
"You will enlarge my heart"

All of those phrases speak to me in the way I am developed by Him when I just stay running on the course he has for me. I don't have to understand it all - just keep running, and my heart is set free to understand and grow.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3 (TNIV)

Fears and Faith

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." - Romans 8:15

Do not fear, O Jacob my servant;
do not be dismayed, O Israel.
I will surely save you out of a distant place,your descendants from the land of their exile.
Jacob will again have peace and security,
and no one will make him afraid. - Jeremiah 46:27


Since my children were born, I have endeavored to keep them fearless. When I hear a story about an abduction on TV, I do not keep my children indoors. I do not even instruct them about "stranger danger." When a virus fear spreads through the country, I do not put little masks on their faces. When airplanes were hijacked, I continued to strap them into the seats and fly across the country.

• Airbag malfunction fear? "Load up, kids."
• Fierce dog fear? "Ask the owner if you may pet the dog, then go for it."
• Homeless people outside the city library when we're heading in? "Say hi, be friendly."
• Strangers walking along the alley where my kids play on the playground? "Have fun, kids. I'll leave the door open so I can hear if you need me."

I never ever wanted my kids to live in fear, but in faith that God - even if their parents weren't nearby - had his eye on them. Bad things were going to happen. People would do bad things. They may get hurt. But God is good.

A quick check through the Bible shows 84 times where God or one of his messengers specifically commands a person to "not be afraid" or "fear not" or "be not afraid." In contrast, I found only 13 times when people declared their fearlessness because of God's provision.

We are weak, trembling, spineless creatures. But I didn't want my children to start off that way. I wanted them to live in joy and love with abandon. Elisa has never been afraid of the dark. We taught her to sleep in a dark room from the beginning, and she prefers it. She reads adventure books, climbs trees, plays in creeks, sings and dances like no one's watching. Wilkin is wide open, and runs full-bore into life (and walls). I cannot count how many bloody noses I have doctored. He does not fear pain, bugs, the stage (as long as it's his idea to do the performance), or hard work, especially if someone is showing him how to fix or destroy something.
As they have matured into school-aged children, their fears have grown to include bullies and the critical eyes of their peers. Elisa had a hard time attending school when her face was swollen from poison ivy. Wilkin has refused to wear a perfectly handsome garment because a classmate said it was a "baby shirt."

Everything changed yesterday.

We have heard reports of copperhead snakes around the church building - a rural setting with a creek, playground and wooded acres. In fact, two friends killed a copperhead earlier this summer. Tim's aunt just took her second dog to the veterinarian for to be treated for a poisonous snakebite. That's two dogs in a little under two weeks.

As I work at Living Water during the days, I have been encouraging my children to eschew the DVD player and head outside to play in the creek, catch crawdads and look at salamanders. When I think "idyllic childhood summer," a creek should run through it (not Disney Pixar flicks). I always warn them that if they see a snake, to drop everything (even the paper cups they're using to catch crawdads) and run into the building. I figure there is safety in numbers, however. Wilkin and I were at the church yesterday, and Elisa was at camp. Wilkin requested permission to play in the creek by himself.
Here's the place where I ended my boy's fearlessness, and I mourn for what has been lost.

I told him, "You may play in the creek. But it's different because you're the only child playing in the creek. So, if you see a snake, you MUST drop the cups and run for me. If that snake bites you, I want you to scream as loud as you can and run for me. If you are bitten by a snake, you may not be able to make it back to me. So scream and run. Do you understand?"

My sweet son pushed his fingers up behind his glasses to cover his tears and said, "I'm afraid." And my heart broke. Not because he was crying, but for the loss of his innocence and the fear that I - yes, I - instilled in him.

He did not play in the creek yesterday, but he will next week when his sister is with us. But I know it will never be the same.

Every stage of life is a step farther away from me and more toward independence. Birth is the first "moving out," then there's the first babysitter, going to school, sleepovers, summer camp, college, first apartment, marriage, first home. I want to prepare my children to face each stage fearlessly, not with trepidation. It's a fine line that I'm afraid I crossed yesterday. And I mourn.

Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.

9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [b] with fire.

10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Holding Hands

When I was 12, my family moved from Anacortes, Washington to Caldwell, Idaho. My great-grandpa Plueard had recently passed away and my grandma had purchased his homeplace in Caldwell. Grandma and Grandpa Hardenbrook were living there, atop this little hillock in sight of Squaw Butte and Bogus Basin.

My dad is their second-oldest of five children. I am a parent now, and appreciate the value of living close to family. At the time, I was only 12, and more caught up in my own dramas to wonder or care why we were moving to potato-land just as I was starting seventh grade. In fact, I was so caught up in myself that, on a trip downtown with my grandma, I was horrified and mortified that she reached out to take my hand while we crossed the street. I don't remember if I pulled away physically or just mentally. I hoped beyond all hope that none of my friends saw her treat me like such a child. I am sure that Grandma felt my embarrassment.

My parents eventually moved right next to Grandma and Grandpa, and while we were building the house, I got the privilege of living in my grandparents' basement for one summer. At 15 (I think I turned 16 that summer), it was my first taste of independence - I had my own bathroom and I could stay up as late as I wanted and no one bothered me. I was too old to need to hold hands while crossing the street - in fact, they let me borrow their car a few times. I spent a lot of time up at the dining room table, on the couch, and out with the chickens talking with Grandma and Grandpa and learning what a life of boldness would mean for me. That summer, what I had learned from my parents about marriage, adventure and faith was reinforced in conversations with my grandparents. I also was convinced that I was loved, prayed for, and believed in.

In her many years of marriage to my grandpa, Grandma had never lost her boldness, her independence, her sharp wit, or her opinions. She had experienced loneliness and single-parenthood while Grandpa served in Korea, then journeyed with him to many ministry opportunities across the Pacific Northwest and in Canada. Together they reared 5 children around a dinner table where each person was expected to back up their statements and be willing to fight for them. I realized that Grandma was one of the strongest, toughest ladies I would ever meet, and that I wanted to be just like her someday.

Since that time, my grandparents have celebrated their 16 grandchildren and traveled many miles across the US and Canada to participate in graduations, weddings and hold new great-grandchildren. They have also cried with us and prayed for us through our despair, our divorces, and our disappointments. But they never told us they were disappointed in us.

I think my grandpa has retired 3 or 4 times now. He keeps finding his way back to ministry - he considers retirement a "release to service." Grandma has worked in market research for A.C. Nielsen for about 15 or 20 years now, and just celebrated her 80th birthday. This spring, Grandma and Grandpa traveled out to Virginia to see my parents and my family. They didn't care that they were in their eighties ... when the flight arrived after midnight, they rented a car and drove 2 hours down to the house. In the morning, they were ready to go again, driving into DC to see the World War II Memorial and the Korean War Memorial. At the Korean War Memorial, holding my children's hands, I asked Grandma about her experiences in the early 1950s while Grandpa was at war. The next day, Grandpa drove again - to Monticello and back. The day after that, he drove 5 hours down the Parkway to Roanoke to see our house, then drove all the way back up to Edinburg. I kept shaking my head, hoping I will be so adventurous in 45 years.

Almost two weeks ago, Grandma was admitted to the hospital and received a diagnosis of cancer. She and Grandpa promptly quit their jobs and Grandpa said he was going to learn how to do laundry and take care of Grandma. Grandma's family is all across the US and Canada. We don't live next door anymore. We have learned to live lives of boldness and adventure, and that has taken us far away from her and Grandpa.

Over Labor Day in 2006, all 5 of their children gathered for Grandpa's 80th birthday. Most of the grandchildren were able to attend, and we celebrated our family, our common faith, our togetherness and our interdependence. I held Grandma's hand in a prayer circle. It was soft but strong.

I wish I could be next to her right now in the hospital and hold her hand one more time and tell her how much she means to me. We are planning a trip out west for Thanksgiving, and I intend to hold that great woman's hand as much as I possibly can - while I can.

People "knowing my business"

2 Corinthians 5:16-20
16 So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! 17 This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 18 And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. 19 For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. 20 So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!”
New Living Translation (NLT)
Holy Bible. New Living Translation copyright © 1996, 2004 by Tyndale Charitable Trust.

I grew up in small towns, and it's true what they say about small towns. People do tend to know about other people, and there is a lot of "knowing my business," if you know what I mean.

Despite comments I have heard to the contrary, Roanoke, Virginia is not a small town, by any stretch of the imagination. To give Roanokers a little perspective, in 2006 (14 years after I left town), Caldwell, Idaho had reached a population of 34,433. Small. The population of Anacortes, Washington, where I lived from Kindergarten through 7th grade, tipped the scales at 14,577 in 2000 (again, 14 years after my family left town in 1986). In the year 2000, Roanoke had 94,911, and the Roanoke metropolitan area had 235,932.

These facts don't enlighten us about communities, however. In a small town, communities blend and overlap, and by the degrees of separation, a person can almost know everyone and everyone can "get up in your business." Recently, at lunch with colleagues, we learned that just about everyone was connected in some way. One person's girlfriend lived in the same neighborhood as the person who had come to do our computer training that day. Her in-laws lived in a colleague's neighborhood. We were all connected through vicinity, relationships, or other commonalities.

In the church, I have found that it's a real struggle to keep that kind of community in the large group (Sunday services) setting. But don't we, as humans, crave community? We desire to be in groups that understand us, speak the same language, listen to the same music. We want people to lean on, to be there for us when we have problems. My friend Scott Schmidt led Living Water's time at communion last Sunday. He shared with us that "genuine community is where people are growing together to love God’s Word and God’s people." And why do we want community? Simple. God created us that way. He is the author of community. It is my firm belief that the church should work actively to create community and redeem community to its rightful meaning.

When a person engages in relationships with others that are not simply "hi, how ya doin'" chats on Sunday mornings, investing in the lives of others in a small group setting, lives are transformed. When a person trusts their group and leaders, it's easy to open up and share his or her challenges and hardships. Be real. Be forgiving. Feel safe in a way that he or she may not be able to feel in a large Sunday setting.

I've had my heart broken many times by people who left the church for another worship setting. It was nothing personal, they said, just needed a change. Why was my heart broken? I had invested in their life. In almost every situation, they had experienced a very difficult life experience, and the large-group Sunday setting knew all about it. We didn't have the small group format for real life sharing and caring. Suddenly, everyone was "up in their business," and it didn't feel good. It was scary. Much easier to leave and start over instead of be viewed as damaged goods, imperfect people, human.

I get it. I really do. It would bother me to no end to have my personal life an open book. In my experience, it's so much easier to talk about the messy stuff of my life with 8 people, not 108. These people have become my friends, my family, and my lifeline.

Through small groups, Living Water reconciles people to Jesus and redeems community for his purposes. We gather on Sundays for common worship, adoration and to celebrate Jesus's death and burial through communion - together - but real personal growth and introspection is perfected in small groups.

Thanks to Scott Schmidt for his guidance as Tim and I continue the ministry he began at Living Water. Scott, I can't thank you enough for your wisdom and the passion for groups you have instilled in my soul. Michelle, you have taught me the value of true friendship - a person that looks unflinchingly at someone's real life and heart loves that person (me) in spite of her flaws and foibles.

Living Water's Discipleship Process

Last year, Living Water undertook a wrenching process called "Simple Church" - a deceptively innocuous title to a book that stripped how we did "church" down to the bones and forced us to analyze how we work to create disciples.

Isn't that really what the church is supposed to do? In the process of creating "mission statements" and "purpose statements" and wondering "what is the job of the church?", doesn't it all come down to this question: How are we fulfilling the Great Commission - and what does that look like at this church?

Matthew 28:18-20
Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Today's New International Version (TNIV)
© Copyright 2001, 2005 by International Bible Society

A "coalition of the willing" met regularly, weekly, and painstakingly stripped the way we "do church" down and crafted a process that WORKS to create reproducing disciples of Jesus Christ.

With the help of the book, we even came up with an easily sketched model to demonstrate it - you can draw it on the back of a napkin or business card - to anyone who has questions.

Well? Are you curious? Dying to know the process Living Water uses to create disciples of Jesus Christ?

1) We help people CONNECT to God - in our current structure, this is best accomplished in our Sunday services. Connecting to God occurs anytime we gather to worship.

2) We strive to GROW reproducing disciples - we do this in Watering Holes (small groups) where people meet together to study and share life together. People who are participating in groups are growing and will eventually duplicate themself in someone else's life!

3) We live to SERVE others both inside the church body and out in the community. Service creates a level of discipleship that puts others first - check out Philippians 2 for more information on why we do this.

4) We need to GO - not just tell others about Jesus, but invest ourselves in their lives! By doing this, we are truly reproducing ourselves and making disciples of all nations.

This simple process of creating disciples (while it wasn't so simple to identify and create) enables us to focus on the real stuff of church - what Jesus made the church for in the first place. Church has become (for many people) a building with programs and activities. For Living Water, we want to focus on people - making reproducing disciples of Jesus Christ.

Look at the previous post (created by Andrew Potter at ShoutOut, LLC) to keep us focused on the discipleship goal.

Living Water's Discipleship Process

My sweet boy's dreams

On Saturday, after a fun day with his grandpa and cousin Josiah, I was tucking 5-year-old Wilkin in for the night.

He prayed: Thank you, God, for making Josiah. And thanks for making him so great. And thanks for Grandpa bringing his kites today.

As always, he added: Please help me to have cool dreams – with the Magic School Bus and dinosaurs. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Wilkin prefers to pray for "cool dreams" instead of "sweet dreams." In his mind, sweet dreams are for girls, full of Barbies and pink princesses. Cool dreams are filled with race cars, trains, dinosaurs and the Magic School Bus.

To Wilkin, the nighttime prayer is a barrier - a hardhat, if you will - against dreams he prefers to avoid. He prays to keep his mind clear of pollutants.

Lord, protect my mind from things that should not be there. Keep my eyes fixed on you, and my thoughts full of pure images and goals that please you. Keep my speech full of words that point people toward you.

Hardhats

Psalm 5:11-12

"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield."

Before Tim and I married in June 1995, I had a nightmare that we decided to combine our last names instead of me taking his last name.

My name at the time was Jamie Hardenbrook. His last name is Hatfield. So, in my terror-filled dream, we legally became Mr. and Mrs. Tim and Jamie Hardhat. I remember waking up from the dream breathless and relieved that the wedding was still days away, and no name change had occurred. I was a concerned bride, terrified that my wedding announcement would show up as a one-liner on the Tonight Show.

After we had settled into Married Student Apartments at Milligan College, I had loosened up a bit. Over canasta and sweet tea one evening, I laughingly shared my dream with Mike and Jen Shanks, our fellow newlyweds two doors down. Soon, a metal hardhat showed up on our door, a gift from Mike that had belonged to his grandfather. That hardhat has followed me and Tim through six addresses now, and has become a treasured reminder of the Shanks' friendship.

Over the past 13 years, I have even come to treasure the moniker "hardhat." To me, it represents the protection that our families' legacies have given me, my husband and my children.

Tim and I enjoy legacies of faith and commitment to Jesus Christ. When we met at Milligan, we had so much in common - our fathers were preachers, our grandfathers were preachers, our uncles were preachers! We immediately had a common language, a common history, and a common understanding. Although our families' histories did not overlap, occurring on opposite sides of the country, we were kindred spirits. There has never been a question for either of us - Jesus Christ will be first in our home, hearts and activities. It's that simple.

The legacy of the Hardenbrooks and the Hatfields and Goodells and Wilkins is the same, and the strength of their faith and commitment is being lived out in our home. That steely strength has provided a protection for us, a barrier from the world that is not easily broken.

My prayer for my friends and church family members is for the same legacy to be lived out in their families' lives. My friends came to faith in their twenties and thirties, and are now navigating the paths of understanding as they reframe their family life and friendships in the light of Jesus Christ. Sometimes they seem to admire the family stability and foundation that we have and wish the same for their family. I am thrilled to tell them about my paternal great-grandfather, who was baptized as an adult, then went on to serve Jesus his whole life as he preached, baptized, and founded Boise Bible College and raised a family of descendants that follow his footsteps of faith and devotion. I am thrilled to tell them about Tim's paternal grandfather, who wasn't baptized until he had grandchildren, but has 4 children who live faithful lives, and multitudes of grandchildren and great-grandchildren who are walking in the footsteps of Jesus! Our families are filled with even more amazing stories of commitment to Jesus that I look forward to sharing in this blog.

What is just as exciting to me? The legacy of my friends' families is beginning now, and I am honored to witness the creation of these "hardhats" of protection and strong foundation of faith for their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They are new disciples of Jesus Christ, and they are creating reproducing disciples in their own children and in the lives of their family members and friends. Now that is really cool.